You’re Probably Not Really a Nice Guy (x)
How the Logic of "Friendzoning" Would Work If Applied in Other Instances:
- *Man walks into a store and finds employee*
- Man: Alright, I've had enough. Why haven't you guys hired me?!
- Employee: Uh...well sir, when did you put in your application?
- Man: I never filled out an application.
- Employee: Well sir, we can't consider you for employment if you've never filled out an application.
- Man: No, that's bullshit, because I've been coming here for years now, and every single time I tell you all how much I love this store and how much I appreciate your customer service, unlike some of your other customers might I add!
- Employee: Well, but that doesn't-
- Man: AND I even told you that I didn't have a job!
- Employee: But sir, that doesn't indicate to us that you would like a job at our store. And again, if you've never filled out an application, we can't consider you. Besides, we're not hiring.
- Man: OH! Not hiring, HA! What a laugh. I see your store go through seasonal workers all the time. They come and go like nothing, but you won't consider me as a part-time employee even though I KNOW you've been looking for workers to fill positions? That's insane!
- Employee: Sir, we've been looking to hire a few people for management positions. Do you have any management experience?
- Man: Well no, but what does that matter?
- Employee: ...Well sir, that's what we're looking for. You won't be suitable for the position without management experience.
- Man: Oh that's such a load of crap. You know, you'll be waiting around a long time for a manager if you don't lower your standards a little. Who cares if someone knows how to manage a store? I LOVE this store and I'm willing to work here, that's all that should matter to you.
- Employee: That...doesn't make any sense.
- Man: NO! I'm done. This is over. From now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
- Man: Fuck you, slut.
So here’s the thing about Nice Guys:
Every time I see a post by a Nice Guy, it’s always the same story. “I was friends with a woman, and I had feelings for her, and instead of returning my feelings, she ran off with a string of hot skeezy assholes and left me to sit on the sidelines.”
Here is a thing I’ve hardly ever heard a woman say: “You know, I was friends with this guy and he just kept dating all these other hot, slutty chicks instead of realizing that I was standing right there. All guys are insensitive and unfeeling assholes, and I’m too good for them.” And I don’t think that women don’t say that because that never happens. It does happen. It’s happened to me. I’ve been friends with guys and had feelings for them that they didn’t return. It happens to everyone.
But here’s the difference: instead of thinking that there is something wrong with the guy we’re pining/lusting after and that he might be a dickhead (which may well be true), women are taught from a very early age (in a way that men are absolutely not) that the problem is internal. “Five Ways to Make Him Notice You.” “Are You Sending Off the Right Signals?” “Wow Him in Ten Words or Less.” Women are absolutely INUNDATED with the message that male attention is something that we must earn and then fight to keep, and if this is true, then I think I realize your problem, Nice Guy.
Men are not inherently deserving of female attention.
Let me repeat that for you, just in case you missed it.
Men are not inherently deserving of female attention. And similarly, women do not always WANT male attention. Women OFTEN do not want male attention. If your advances are unwelcome, that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. (Though to be honest, you seem like a dick.) I know the media has convinced you it’s true, Nice Guy, but women do not constantly crave male approval and validation.
I was out with my family one night and a male friend of mine was trying and failing to get the twist-off cap off a bottle of beer, and when I reached over and unscrewed it for him (because he is an idiot), my aunts and mother all looked at me with a certain level of concern in their eyes and said, “That’s not something you’d do if you were out at a bar, is it? Or with someone you were dating?”
Firstly, as I’ve mentioned, I do not spend all of my time hoping that the guy across from me is going to want to fuck me. Secondly, anyone who is intimidated enough by me unscrewing his beer is not really someone I feel the need to spend an extended amount of time with. And thirdly, if unscrewing his beer is a dealbreaker, there’s a whole shitload of things about me I guarantee he isn’t going to like. But I think maybe you’ve been secretly hanging out with my older female relatives, Nice Guy, because they seem to think (as you do) that I am trying to please you all the time.
Spoiler alert: I am not.
There’s a certain level of women’s behavior that is always expected to be performative, to be for the benefit of others; specifically, to be for the benefit of men. But I have never heard a guy internalize his romantic frustration in the way that women are taught and encouraged to do. And that’s so gross to me, the notion that women are inherently wanting and men are inherently deserving. It’s gross to me, Nice Guy, that you are comfortable enough with your misogynistic, bullshit entitlement to utter it out loud, where people can hear you, and that you would expect me to give any kind of shits about whether or not I’ve hurt your feelings.
It’s gross to me, Nice Guy. You’re gross to me, Nice Guy. And that’s just one of the many, many reason why I will not fuck you.
"But most of all, stop thinking that what people so loathingly refer to as the “friendzone” is some sort of purgatory women put “nice guys” into. My friendship is not a crappy consolation prize that you’re left with if I deny you a sexual relationship– and my body is not your reward for good behavior."
Me too. And, more than that, I’m sick of the people using it.
Women are told almost constantly—by the media, the government, and the overall attitude of society—that our bodies don’t fucking belong to us. The mythical friendzone is just another way for misogynists to enforce that idea while getting to play the victim.
It sucks when someone you have feelings for doesn’t share those feelings; it happens to women all the time, too. We hear “I just want to be friends” and “you’re like one of the guys” and “you’re like a sister to me” just as often. But you’ll never hear a woman complain that guys just don’t appreciate a Nice Girl because we’re taught it’s our own fucking fault when we’re rejected—we aren’t pretty enough or thin enough or sexy enough, we weren’t sexual enough or were too sexual, we put out too much or too little or too soon or not soon enough, we didn’t wear our hair the right way or our skirt the right length, we’re “too tomboyish” or “too butch” or “too feminine”, or we’re “not their type”, or we’re otherwise not good enough in various ways to entice the man to grace us with his affection.
But when we’re not interested in someone, we’re vilified. We’re the bitch that lead them on, the bitch who let them buy us dinner but didn’t want to date them, the bitch who doesn’t appreciate a nice guy, the bitch they were nice to and then got nothing in return from.
And, frankly, fuck those people. Showing interest in me, being friendly with me, getting close to me, or eating a meal with me (even if they paid for it) doesn’t obligate me to open my heart or my legs. And anyone who doesn’t appreciate my friendship sure as hell doesn’t deserve my love or my pussy.
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES a thousand times.